And the Winner Is...Ugly.
I conclude the state rankings, but first, a quick lesson about an ugly phenomenon.
Another Friday is here! I’m thankful for you being here every Friday, supporting Okay History.
I’m sure you will be wearing your Ugly Christmas Sweater at some point today. Because today, December 16, is National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day!
Back in the 1980s, in the popular sitcom, The Cosby Show, Bill Cosby wore what he called a Jingle Bell Sweater. I don’t have a picture of it, mostly because I don’t want to show Cosby, but the idea was planted. By the decade’s end, the Jingle Bell Sweater style became popular when the movie Christmas Vacation was released.
The Canadians began to coin the term Ugly Christmas Sweater in the 21st century when two dudes threw a fundraising party to battle cancer and held a contest to determine the winner. Since then, the phenomenon has spread like a coronavirus. Ugly Christmas Sweater parties were sprouting up everywhere. I had a bunch of college friends who did this every year, but they may have stopped because they had kids or something. But across the country, it doesn’t look like Ugly Christmas Sweater will fade away anytime soon.
Do you have an Ugly Christmas Sweater? Anonymous has one. It lights up. Which is crazy because does that mean she walks around with a battery? Is it nuclear-powered? It doesn’t sound safe.
Only she knows the answer. Speaking of Anonymous, she is the theme in my final state rankings reveals.
She’s always #1 with me!
Okay, you probably scrolled right to this point. So here they are, the 2022 OKH State Top Rankings! Enjoy!
4: Oregon
Founded: February 14, 1859
33rd state
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Salem
Have I been there? Yes
Do I want to go back? Heck yeah!
The Good:
There’s this bookstore in Portland called Powell’s. Technically I think it’s called Powell’s City of Books, and it is by far the best bookstore I have ever been to. That might not mean that much if you know me.
This place is HUGE. In fact, it is the world’s largest used and new bookstore. The place is color-coded, so you know where to go when looking for a specific book or genre, and they even have sealed room for rare books. I think I spent more time in this bookstore than when I visited the Louvre. I didn’t go into the rare books section because I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to touch anything.
I ended up buying a few books and a t-shirt. Highly recommend.
The Bad:
I’m pretty confident the entire state smells like weed because the city of Portland smells like weed. I just project that the rest of the state is like that, even though Portland is the only place in Oregon I have visited.
I like the outdoors and all, and sure, I have partaken in smoking grass (which you will read more about soon), but man, I can’t stand the smell. It’s everywhere in downtown Portland. There’s also something about hanging out with people who appear not to have showered in three months that also creeps me out.
The Ugly:
Did you know the city of Portland is no longer around? It’s true; it burnt to the ground a few years ago. I think right after I left, rioters burned small and large businesses, police stations, sports stadiums, the Y, and the Zoo. Cranage was everywhere.
Portland and burning go hand in hand. Powell’s Books is on Burnside Street, for crying out loud. Or I mean, it was. People burned it down years ago. Don’t email me about this ugly fact that may not be true.
Why did I rank it fourth?
A friend of Anonymous lives in Portland, and we flew out to attend her wedding a few years ago. I loved Portland! I had some of the best sushi ever. I didn’t eat much sushi before meeting Anonymous, and I have eaten it regularly over the last five years. I’m even getting into wasabi! Look at me!
One of the best memories of the trip was my purchasing marijuana (legally) and getting irritatingly high when we got back to our Airbnb. While Anonymous cooked dinner, I continued to call her name repeatedly.
Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous, Anonymous.
It was endless and annoying—such a great trip. One our best memories together.
3: Tennessee
Founded: June 1, 1796
16th state
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Nashville
Have I been there? Yes
Do I want to go back? Heck yeah!
The Good:
Tennessee is the home of country music, and oh boy, do I love some country music. As a kid, I listened to songs about a guy named Jose Cuervo and how she stopped being loved when a dog died (I have no idea where I came to this conclusion). I watched the Dukes of Hazzard and Hee Haw. I was a hick, people. Proud of it.
Country music is just in my blood. My parents took me to numerous concerts growing up, and as an adult, I try to make as many smaller country concerts as possible. You can see Mark Chesnutt live for like $10 if you want.
The Bad:
Country music circa 2011 and beyond. That’s when Bro-Country became a thing. Now look, I will admit I listen to Bro-Country from time to time because I like to feed myself garbage like Wendy’s. But the rise of Bro-Country somehow meant the end of talented female artists.
Miranda Lambert won the Academy of Country Music Awards for Entertainer of the Year in 2022, the first female artist to win since Carrie Underwood took home the prize for the second consecutive time in 2010. Notice what happened the following year? Songs quickly became about girls in bikinis and a strong desire to drink beer with dudes in the back of the guy’s pickup trucks. These bros talk about listening to Twitty, Jennings, and Old Hank, but none of their songs reflect these influences.
I miss the days of traditional songs like hey, this drunk homeless guy is harassing this little girl with candy; let’s throw him in jail; oh wait, he was trying to find his daughter. Oh, he’s now dead? Sad. That’s country music.
The Ugly:
My great, great grandfather fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War. I used to tell myself a story that my ancestor left Tennessee to fight for America, and it was his brother who stayed behind with the Rebels. A few years ago, after doing the same amount of research as you have come to expect me to do at OKH, I found out that wasn’t the case. Old great, great grandpappy was a traitor. He fought in the Second Battle of Franklin, where he and the Army of Tennessee were routed by the Army of Ohio, and ole Sammy Dake was captured. Whoops.
After the war, this side of the family emigrated north to Cleveland, in a presumably if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em moment, Sam and his wife Sarah would produce generations of Cleveland professional sports fans. Ugly.
Why did I rank it third?
Anonymous and I took one of our first trips as a couple to Nashville. Taking trips to places we haven’t been to was supposed to be an annual thing, but work, travel to locations outside of the U.S., and this thing called COVID-19 has put this activity on hold.
Despite her declaration of being a Southern Girl, Anonymous is not a country music fan. Not every Southern Girl needs to enjoy some honky-tonk, but tolerating it is a must. Anonymous does more than that in spades.
It was a fun trip, for sure. We went to a few concerts and visited the Johnny Cash museum, which, if you have read this piece, you know I’m a massive fan of. I Walk the Line was our wedding song. It fits perfectly into our relationship.
2: North Carolina
Founded: April 28, 1788
7th state
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Raleigh
Have I been there? Yes
Do I want to go back? Heck yeah!
The Good:
East Carolina BBQ. There is always a huge debate about which BBQ is the best. There is Texas and Memphis style. Kansas City and South Carolina are also in there. I will gladly eat them all. But if I had to choose a last meal, I’m going with East Carolina BBQ.
The vinegar-based gift from God is delicious and, more importantly, easy to make for a guy who can’t cook and instead spends time putting together a mediocre history newsletter/blog thing.
The Bad:
My father passed away while I was living in North Carolina in 2015. I was there temporarily for work and on my way to a side-of-the-highway BBQ joint to begin my beach week vacation when I learned of his passing.
It was a tough ride back to Raleigh that day. I can’t think of North Carolina without thinking of my Dad and the trip he planned to make to visit me there.
The Ugly:
I visited the North Carolina History Museum a couple of times. There was this short movie they presented about North Carolina’s history in terms of the Civil War. It’s hilariously ugly when you think about it.
So in 1860, the United States elected Abraham Lincoln. Southern states did not like this because Lincoln was from Illinois, and people in the South didn’t know if you pronounce the “s” or don’t pronounce the “s.” South Carolina decided to secede, which began a rapid round of other southern states who did the same.
But North Carolina was the last of the 13th states to disunion. On May 20, 1861, they voted unanimously to reject Lincoln’s call for troops from the Tar Hell state simply because they didn’t want to fight the people of Mississippi or something. I mean, come on. The movie presents itself as if North Carolina didn’t have a choice because Virginia and Tennessee seceded, so golly gee, we gotta do it too.
Why did I rank it second?
North Carolina is such a special place for me. I went there at a time in my life at a professional and personal crossroads and was received so well that I began to thrive again.
Raleigh, Asheville, Durham, Chapel Hill, Rocky Mount, Wilmington, Greensboro, Greensville, Greentown, whatever. North Carolina has beaches, mountains, beer, BBQ, good people, and good weather.
I experienced great art and met many wonderful people who taught me about God. I ate amazing food, then gained weight, then lost weight, then gained it again.
I did it all.
A few years ago, Anonymous and I took a trip to Raleigh to watch her favorite band. It was an awesome concert because I had never heard of these guys, and apparently, it was their farewell concert. She had a great time, and I’m sure loves Raleigh as much as I do. Ask her about it when you have the chance.
You must experience North Carolina for an extended period. When you go, let me know, cause I’m coming with you.
1: Montana
Founded: November 8, 1899
41st state
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Helena
Have I been there? No
Do I want to go? Heck yeah!
The Good:
No one lives there! Despite being incredibly beautiful, Montana ranks 45th in population. Slightly higher than my home state. Oh, excuse me, my District.
If you like being alone, then Montana is for you. I hear Billings is awesome. It has a river, mountains, excellent beer, and little to no people living there while being the largest city in the state!
I have a friend who used to live in Montana and did CSI-type stuff for the state. He attended the University of Montana and gave me a Montana Grizzlies t-shirt. In all my years of living here, in the nation’s capital, where people from all over the country come to live, I have had ONE person ask me if I was from Montana while wearing this t-shirt. To his surprise, I told him I had never been there.
He shouldn’t have been surprised.
The Bad:
There are only 36 Starbucks in Montana. That’s terrible. Of course, no one lives there, so you figure there would be less, but in Montana, the number of Starbucks per person is embarrassingly 29,000.
In DC, we have 91. That’s a Starbucks for every 7,000 people. I have four Starbucks to choose from within a mile of my house. I don’t care what your position is on Starbucks (I’m okay with it, McDonald’s, however, is excellent), but having a Starbucks means you are at least living in the 21st century.
Billings has 11, so when I go, I’m heading there.
The Ugly:
Grizzly bears are good-looking animals, but I never want to meet one in person. The suckers weigh almost 700 lbs. I’m not linking a story, but in October, a bird hunter was injured when a 677 lbs. grizzly ran him over in the woods.
Can you imagine being trucked by a grizzly bear? How does that happen? Where else would that happen? Is this Grizzly trying out for the Green Bay Packers? Yikes.
Why did I rank it first?
Have you ever stopped to wonder what makes a relationship special? And how do relationships develop over time? You can have the same general tendencies toward all your relationships, but special ones have a unique aspect that you and that person only share.
Montana is a special place in my relationship with Anonymous. Even though neither of us has been there, the mere mention of the state causes a connection that I don’t share with anyone else.
I won’t disclose the details; those are private. I’m sure you have something secret with the most important person in your life that connect you in ways that seem silly to the outside world.
That’s Montana for both of us. Believe me; if I told you the reason, you’d think it was silly.
I can’t wait for the day when we both go there together. Montana the for the win!
When I was putting together the list, I knew the top states would feature something about the time I spend or will eventually spend with Anonymous. (For the record, I did live in South Carolina for about six months for work, and you’ll notice where I put it. Something Phil is not happy about).
But the last four states have a common thread of her and me. Obviously, this entire series is mostly about me, but it’s also about Anonymous.
I hope you enjoyed this series and learned something new. I certainly did! Thanks for reading.
I’ll be back with Maundy Monday Newsletter. I don’t expect to produce anything for Friday for the next few weeks; there are a few ideas I want to work on, and I need to clean up the site and learn some more functions to help make it grow.
The next project will be launched on the OKH anniversary, which is President’s Day. If I can pull it off, it should be a good time that will last longer than just 2023.
If you have any questions you’d like me to answer about history that doesn’t involve me researching the voting systems of the most developed countries in the world and comparing and contrasting them, please email me at chris@okayhistory.com.
Have a great weekend!
Okay,
Chris
I understand your rationale but I am more than a little surprised Raleigh didn’t take the cake
Lots of good one-liners here. Rating Oregon on Powell's makes sense I guess. It is certainly Okay.
I do like their state seal color scheme, too.
And you did ask for suggestions and make comments about voting systems, so I saw it as a good area.
BTW: I was at the beach in Destin, FL, when I learned that Dad had died.