Remember the Mayo!

It's a holiday weekend. I present another Friday Discussion to settle an important debate.

(Friday Discussion & Reader’s Request are now Ask Me Anything)

It's Friday morning. A long holiday weekend is staring at us in the face like your dog, wondering if it is indeed time to go out. Now? How about now? Is now the time?

The anticipation is all-consuming as the hours tick down. Sometime in the morning, the head of HR will send an email encouraging everyone to shut down their computers at 2:30 today to jump-start the festivities. Still, you laugh because your client has scheduled a meeting at 3:00 to review the cover sheets on the TPS reports.  

But the end of the workday will come. You cannot prevent it, not that you would want to, weirdo, but it's more of the chance to count down the clock and prepare for the multiple parties you will be attending all weekend as we remember those who gave their lives in the Civil War so that we can name our roads and schools after dead Confederate traitors.

Okay, so maybe we will focus on those brave men and women who fought the Germans in World War I and ran it back when the Germans rebranded themselves as Nazis. We remember those lost in the Korean conflict, the Vietnam War, and whatever we did in Iraq and Afghanistan for the past two decades. It's important to celebrate our freedom. Memorial Day Weekend is the unofficial start of summer, and summer is the season of celebrating America.

How will we celebrate? With food.

Is there anything we don't celebrate that doesn't involve food? I can't think of one. We have specific foods for special occasions: religious holidays, national holidays, birthdays, funerals, whatever. It's tradition. Therefore, its history. Okay?

While we grill burgers, brats, and hot dogs, friends and family will be bringing their favorite side dishes, and this is where we will focus our next installment of Friday’s Discussion.

What's the proper way to make potato salad?

Here's a brief history of potato salad. Europeans created it, and early recipes date back to the 16th century. You boiled the spuds, usually in wine or vinegar, and then added spices.

It was in the 1900s that Americans brilliantly decided to add mayonnaise, leaving the dry, spiced-up versions labeled as German Potato Salad. 

And since we are talking about celebrating America, I propose an Amendment to the Constitution that only mayonnaise-based potato salad be the only acceptable potato salad Americans serve on Memorial Day.

And not that light mayonnaise, either. The kind that Anonymous constantly brings into the house. One day we will sit down and discuss this significant point of conflict. No, I'm talking about real mayo made by Duke's. If you like Miracle Whip, please unsubscribe right now. You may feel more comfortable with a more serious history blog site.

Look, it's pretty simple. In 1865 we won a war to preserve the Union, and with that came the spoils of victory. This means as a country, we collectively own Southern Cooking, which is done in part by applying large dobs of Duke's mayonnaise.

I have partaken in non-mayo potato salad concoctions simply because I cannot resist eating potatoes. As a kid, we had it with every meal.

Here's your spaghetti, Christopher, and your side baked potato.

We ordered Chinese, but we have some hash browns we can munch on before it gets here.

Yes, I agree; my family is disgusting.

We ate potatoes at every breakfast, fries or potato chips were constant companions to any lunchtime sandwich, and Tuesday Casserole was, in fact, Shepard's Pie, something I didn't learn until I was in college and looked like a moron when I thought it was a family invention. One set of great-grandparents survived the Potato Famine in Ireland, and we will celebrate that achievement by eating potatoes all day, every day.

Another family tradition was drenching all things potato with ketchup—Heinz ketchup, to be exact. The only thing that prevents me from pouring half a bottle of Heinz ketchup on a potato is when it's in its protective class – the potato salad.

Why?

Because it's sitting in a bowl of Duke's mayo, along with bacon, eggs, and other foodstuffs, I can't think of right now. I’m not dumping ketchup on that. Gross.

Why would you make potato salad without mayonnaise? What's the downside? Has anyone ever gotten sick because of eating authentic American potato salad? Are you worried that it was sitting out too long, that the bacteria have somehow layered the top due to the sun beating down on it?

Is that how science works? What are you, a microbiologist or something?

Lines need to be drawn in the potato salad war. Are you the type of person who takes a condiment made for brats and dogs and instead pushes mustard and sauerkraut into a mixture of cut-up potatoes, like some culinary woke person?

I hope not. Instead, I ask you to join me and the Tens of Tens who say ENOUGH! I want my freedom served in mayonnaise made by a South Carolinian who used it in sandwiches and given to soldiers during World War I.

Who isn't more America First than a person from South Carolina? Once you ignore the nullification, insurrection, and succession, these folks are practically from Rhode Island.

Let's settle the salad debate. Potato salad is made with mayonnaise and served as such on Memorial Day. Or else we keep the ketchup next to it and treat it as a French fry.

The floor is open. Please, discuss. It’s hours until the TPS meeting.

America.