Snip, Snip
I cut to the chase and give you another round of state rankings that fall just short of the top ten.
We have sliced through the week, and Friday is here!
Thank you, Okay History friends, and not cutting me out of your weekly reading habits.
Let’s just cut to the chase already. Happy Vasectomy Day!
Today we celebrate the only effective birth control for men outside of a Lorena Bobbitt Special.
The third Friday of every November is set aside to spotlight this safe, totally, and wildly reversable procedure that prevents sperm from men doing what sperm do naturally. I’m not a scientist, and I’m pretty sure neither are you, but I’m confident we can all figure out what a vasectomy is.
So if you are a guy, learn more about the procedure if you want. If you are a woman, learn more about what your man can do to prevent the exploding world population, and if you are transgender, I hope you are safe and doing well. You are loved.
Okay, let's go to the next round of state rankings! I put out three more states, cutting the list down to just outside the top ten.
13: Virginia
Founded: June 25, 1788
10th state
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Richmond
Have I been there? For sure.
Do I want to go back? I’ve been playing a lot of golf there lately, so yes.
The Good:
Virginia has some great wineries. People who love wine, let’s not call them wine snobs, tend to look down on Virginia wine like I look down on people who think there is a better ketchup than Heinz.
But the weather in Virginia is good enough to make perfectly good wine. Anonymous and I enjoyed wine hopping for my birthday last year and had a good time. Sure the places were empty because it was the first weekend in January, but no matter, the wine was good, and the company was even better.
The Bad:
Richmond became the capital of the Confederacy on May 8, 1861. The rebels moved it from Alabama, and frankly, who could blame them? Just look at where I ranked it.
The idea was that Virginia was an essential strategic state in the war, and putting it close to the Union showed they did not fear Americans coming down and, say, burning it to the ground or something.
In a precursor to owning the libs, the Confederates cut their losses and burned the city themselves on April 2, 1865. Take that, snowflakes.
The Ugly:
It’s too raw right now the tragedy at the University of Virginia. It’s a reminder of the tragedy at Virginia Tech.
I don’t have the energy to write anything funny, but I feel we can correct this issue.
We can have good ideas from the 18th century that shape who we are today. But we also must recognize that we aren’t locked into everything laid out for us. We don’t have to accept it. We have the ability to change, and I hope that one day, incidents like this never happen.
Why did I rank it here?
I like Virginia. I like Port City Brewery and the different vibes the state presents. You can visit a lot of obscure Civil War battlefields or take long hikes along the Shenandoah Valley. There are options to tube during the summer and play golf on decent courses for most of the year.
Virginia is also for lovers. I feel like vasectomies are high in this state.
12: New York
Founded: July 26, 1788
11th State
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Albany
Have I been there? Yes
Do I want to go back? Yes.
The Good:
Central Park is an excellent place. Located in Manhattan, it’s about 850 acres, which surprisingly makes of the 5th largest park in New York City.
What’s great about Central Park is that when you think of New York City, you think of Central Park. Sure, you have Times Square, but the Park is a beautiful creation in a city filled with the opposite.
Hollywood agrees as Central Park is the most filmed location in the world. From sitcoms to movies, whenever we place a story in NYC, Central Park is going to be involved.
The Bad:
Alexander Hamilton spent most of his life in New York. You know my feeling about the guy, and while I like some of his principles, he pushed an agenda that expanded the role of government that reflected too much of the government that we were trying to get away from. But hey, cool rap musical, Bro.
The Ugly:
Everyone knows where they were on September 11, 2001. I was in Washington, DC, working at the Kennedy Center. I usually walked to work from my apartment in Northwest on U Street. I remember thinking about how beautiful the sky was that day.
After sitting at my desk, I opened the internet machine to see that a plane had flown into one of the Twin Towers. A few minutes later, I walked into a colleague’s office, where everyone was watching the news, and saw the second tower being hit in real-time. I asked if this was a replay. After it was explained that it wasn’t, I got scared. You know the rest of the story that day and the aftermath.
Looking back, I realize something significant, and it’s selfish. I should never be the Fire Marshall for a floor. I happened to be the Fire Marshall during 9/11, and let me tell you, I was awful. You’re supposed to let everyone else out first and then check to make sure everyone got out okay, then you leave.
Not me. I was out the door first, leading people to freedom. Despite planes crashing into things. Hopefully, I’ll never have to apply for that job again.
Why did I rank it here?
Who doesn’t love New York? Although I could never live there, I do love to visit. New York City is the best. Madison Square Garden. Broadway. The Subway system. Pizza. Bagels. Diversity. The New York Times.
So why isn’t it a top-ten state? Also, because of New York. The Jerks. The arrogance. The J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. Yes, I know that will upset some of my readers, but whatever, you know I’m correct.
Oh, and Alexander Hamilton.
11: Louisiana
Founded: April 30, 1812
18th State
Do I know the state capital off the top of my head? Baton Rouge
Have I been there? Yes.
Do I want to go back? Yes. I love the food.
The Good:
The Louisiana Purchase pretty much made America what it is today. In a deal with France, President Thomas Jefferson doubled the size of the United States and gave the US the power to expand on the western front.
I mean, we got a river out of it. So many lesser-ranked states were formed from it. I sometimes wonder, if we didn’t pay for this land and acquire it so easily, how long and messy would it have been to gain it through force?
The Bad:
Louisiana is second in the nation in poverty rates, which means that almost 900,000 residents live at or below the poverty line. It’s hard to imagine that the diverse cultures that make up the state could allow such a statistic to exist. But Louisiana is poor, which is one of the reasons it ranks number 1 in violent crime. Yikes.
The Ugly:
In August 2005, Hurricane Katrina demolished the state of Louisiana. The natural disaster took over 1,800 lives and over $125 billion in damages.
Katrina formed on the eastern side of Florida and reached hurricane status hitting land in the southern counties of Broward County. After weakening, it reached the Gulf of Mexico and was turbocharged.
It slammed the coast of Louisiana on August 29, 2005, and, more specifically, flooded the city of New Orleans. Despite the call for a mandatory evacuation, hundreds of people were stranded. It was awful. The response from the federal government was horrible in preparation for the storm and especially in the aftermath. Good job, Brownie.
Why did I rank it here?
One of my first encounters with New Orleans was a song by Johnny Horton. I am a fan of Andrew Jackson, but not everything about Andrew Jackson, and this song helped shape my perception of him.
In 1987, my older brother participated in a Nerd Bowl during his senior year of high school. It was a quiz show, where four students from each school competed as a team against another school. The National Championship was played in Columbus, Ohio that year, my hometown.
The only question I knew the answer to was when they played the Battle of New Orleans. I leaped out of my seat, knowing my brother knew the answer too. Solidarity. He got the answer correct, and I feel like I helped him win a national nerd championship.
I don’t have any kids. I got married at 46, so the idea of a vasectomy at this point seems irrelevant. I’m unsure how I feel about the procedure, but I have had a few friends who have gone through it. They shared with me why and I totally get it. National Holidays are funny, and I hope you enjoy our random celebrations each Friday.
Speaking of Friday, I’m in Paris, spending a long weekend if you are reading this when it first comes out. But I will be back on Monday with another Maundy Newsletter. If not, I ask forgiveness because I’m in Paris. Have a great weekend!
Okay,
Chris
Don't forget that VA now hosts 75 percent of the next generation of the family. So that should be a good thing.
Nerd Championship. I have recently digitized the television footage of you jumping up and down in the aisle at said Championship. I will eventually post it somewhere and link it. And thanks for the help in answering the question "What song by Johnny Horton was banned in Canada during a visit by Queen Elizabeth II" or something like that. Plus an audio cue.
Three kids and the Big V. And everything still works as perfectly, or if you ask my wife, as lousy as before. ;-)