Yeah, I’m terrible at reveals. We are ranking the top 40 political scandals in United States history…according to me!
I cannot be more excited about this.
It’s not even my idea.
A wolf came up with it. It’s true:
It’s brilliant. I almost wanted to skip the election rankings and get right to this.
Mainly because you have no idea what I’m going to rank, but don’t despair because neither do I!1
This is going to drive Anonymous nuts. Remember, my wife has said this about my ranking process:
Christopher’s ranking process is infuriatingly inconsistent, arbitrary, and capricious.
Throw in the uncertainty of what will be ranked, and you have an entire year of excitement, intrigue, and mediocre storylines. All for the low, low price of FREE-NINETY-NINE!
This is the best deal on Substack.
Anonymous is rolling her eyes right now. An “Oh Lord” just came out of her mouth! This is like Christmas in January.
Okay, so I will rank the top 40 political scandals. Just like Casey Kasem, I will be counting down the hits all during 2025. Of course, it’s fitting that President Taco Bell is back in the Oval Office, talking about taking Greenland, the Panama Canal, and Canada like he was placing an order at a McDonald's Drive-Thru.
It’s going to get all scandally here in DC.
So you ready? Let’s dive in.
# 40. The Hunter Biden Laptop Scandal
Introduction
In April 2019, a guy walks into a computer fix-it store and tells the owner that he’s Hunter Biden, the oldest and weirdest son of former Vice President and soon-to-be Democratic Presidential Nominee Joe Biden. His computer is broken, and he would like it fixed.
The Computer Fix-It-Store Owner takes the laptop and keeps it for a year. No clue if the computer is fixed or not, but who cares?
This is such a great idea by the son of a potential president of the United States! Just hand over your laptop because the “enter” key sticks or whatever. The great thing about the Computer Fix-It-Store Owner is that he is legally blind. He doesn’t know if Hunter Biden actually gave it to him.
This already sounds like a story I would make up with friends while we throw back whiskey because we are in our late 40s and are idiots.
Because Hunter Biden eats cocaine for breakfast, dropping off a broken laptop to a blind computer machinist launches one of the wildest and most confusing political scandals of the 21st century.
Background
Hunter Biden is the second son of President Joe Biden and his first wife, Neilia. Hunter was two years old when his mom and sister were killed in a car accident that left him and his older brother, Beau, seriously injured. The boys would recover, his father would remarry, and the Bidens would march on, serving America in different capacities.
After graduating from Yale Law School in 1996, Hunter was trying to figure out what that service for him would be. At 26, he was already a husband, having married Kathleen Buhle, whom he met while serving as a Jesuit Volunteer Corp member in Oregon three years earlier. Kathleen and Hunter settled in Washington, DC, close to where he grew up in Delaware.
It helps to be the son of a Senator, so Hunter took his Ivy League Law School education and began working in banking, finance, or economics. I don’t know which one; these are all the same to me. The point is that Hunter worked with money. He bounced around from the private sector to the government, steadily raising his profile and founding new consulting and venture capitalist firms. Eventually, he will be a founding board member for VC in China. Sounds great!
In 2014, Hunter joined a holding company2 owned by a Ukrainian oligarch named Mykola Zaksmeijfhic.3 Biden lobbied the United States State Department on behalf of this holding company, and by this time, his Dad was Vice President of the United States. President Biden has denied knowing anything while Hunter was lobbying, which is probably true since Joe Biden doesn’t appear to pay attention to most of Hunter's activities, like his consumption of large amounts of illicit drugs.
Fast-forward to October 2020. Blind Computer Fix-It-Store Owner Guy said Hunter left his laptop at his store over a year ago. Somehow, The New York Post printed a story that emails within that computer show that Joe Biden is corrupt, an activity many people did care about at the time.
Again, somehow, the data on Hunter’s computer made it to Steve Bannon, the devil incarnate with beautiful locks of flowing hair. I bet that wouldn’t have happened if Hunter Biden hadn’t dropped it off and then forgot about it. To be fair, Biden accused someone of stealing it, like the entire country of Russia.4 Either way, Blind Guy and Blasted Biden can’t recall why or how the laptop got there.
To no one’s surprise, Hunter’s issues became the Republican Party’s drug of choice. President WWE tried to bully everyone into inventing corruption charges against Joe Biden because of Hunter’s activities. He did it so much, and so brazenly, President Porn Star got impeached by the House of Representatives.
Authorities got into the mix and charged Hunter with crimes. He pleaded down, but then a judge said, “HOLD UP,” and the deal fell through. Instead of pleading, Hunter was convicted by a jury of his peers for lying about his drug addiction when applying to get a gun. However, Hunter successfully pleaded down on another charge, evading a longer sentence for failing to pay his taxes for four years.
Outcome
A guy named Alexander Smirnov recently pleaded guilty to lying to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. It was related to Hunter Biden and the corruption conspiracy back in 2020. He was sentenced to six years. I guess his Dad isn’t president of the United States.
Hunter was fortunate that his Dad was president of the United States and received a sweeping pardon. Now Hunter can deal with staying sober and figuring out child payments for a girl in Arkansas he fathered back in 2018. He also got married and had another kid in 2020. Hunter is all about making babies, and it’s harder to do that while in prison.
Reaction
It pissed me off that President Biden pardoned his son. For months, Biden said he would not pardon Hunter, which is an easy thing to say when your son commits a nonviolent crime and pleads down. But when that doesn’t happen and he gets convicted with a possible trip to Pound Town, well, Dad has to protect his Son from “politics.”
Not only did Hunter get a pardon for these crimes, which he did commit, but Pappa gave him a sweeping pardon for anything we haven’t yet discovered from 2014 through 2024.
The thing is, it’s just for federal crimes. If the Republicans really wanted to get him, they would come up with something. They probably will. Politics is a hell of a drug.
One last thing about this nonsensical and unnecessary scandal. Biden defenders, which I count myself as one5, claim that President Biden “didn’t deserve to lose another son” since Beau died in 2015. I’m not sure how committing crimes and a possible punishment is the same as getting cancer, but blind support can make you a person who owns a computer-fixing store.
There are so many weird storylines—scandal off-shoots. After Beau died in 2015, Hunter and his brother's widow began hooking up. I mean, I have no idea what to say about other than OKAY. Hallie Biden was around when Hunter was buying guns, banging everyone, and drinking his face off.
Now, I can’t image the hurt these people were going through due to Beau’s death, but my goodness, sex is not going to help. Technically, Hunter was still married to Kathleen, but they separated right around when Beau died. But the hooking up kept happening FOR YEARS. This story is crazy.
Okay, so we are off! What do you think? Let’s take a poll:
Is this a good start? You’re getting this whether you like it or not.
Okay, so this is the last weekend before the inauguration of President Drive Thru. I’m enjoying all the backtracking of his promises, but mostly the one where he won’t pardon everyone for January 6. I may end up ranking all of the walking back President Apprentice does over his presidency.
Anyway, have a great weekend. I’ll be back on Monday!
Okay,
Chris
Actually, I do. I made a list, but the way I wrote it above is more dramatic.
I have zero idea what a holding company does. I can hold things. I hold my wife’s purse sometimes.
This is not how you spell Mykola's last name, but Mykola is a fantastic first name.
You could convince me Hunter handed it over to his dealer for an eight-ball.
Not in this instance