How to Be Okay for Thanksgiving
It's the first holiday of the new world order. Be prepared.
Thanksgiving is next week. We have been processing the past presidential election and texting barbs with family members leading up to the big day.
Perhaps a lot of you are skipping visiting family for Thanksgiving. You are punishing them by not being present. Maybe they know why, maybe you are being passive-aggressive, or maybe they don’t know what passive-aggressive means.
But let’s say you are bucking up and showing up. We can all imagine this scenario:
As you pull up to your parents' driveway, the one they bought when houses cost $14 and you grew up in. Back when your dad’s union job salary afforded you the private school education that taught you values, empathy, and a sense of humor. These were pleasant memories.
But not now.
You walk past the Trump flags and the “Make America Great Again!” banners hanging on the fence. Because, of course, they are still up.
You enter the house and are greeted by your brother-in-law, who is wearing his Trump “Never Surrender” T-shirt, the one that shows Trump’s mugshot when he surrendered to authorities. You ask him how his job of fixing the local bridges and roads is going. He says it’s great. He supervises a lot of guys from Nicaragua, so he doesn’t do much.
Your sister comes to hug you, and you catch a glimpse of your dad sitting on the couch watching Jesse Waters blather on. You ask where your Mom is, and sis tells you she’s in the kitchen; she’s making the green bean casserole you hate. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are all over the place, looking at their phones.
You may find yourself in this situation next week if you brave the new world order of people with no shame. You are traveling to cult territory, so get ready for the Kool-Aid party.
You will be made to feel uncomfortable in their home while your kinfolk guzzle down brain worms and keep getting madder and madder about bathrooms and pronouns and being “woke.”
The question begs itself: How can I be Okay for Thanksgiving?
Right now, the world is upside down. Trump is returning to the White House, the Detroit Lions are arguably the best team in the NFL, and Neo Nazis are dressed in black and walking up and down Columbus, Ohio, in the middle of the day, and no one went out to curb stomp them.
The only safe space you have from now on is your home. But you aren’t there. You are on the battlefield of mental and physical health, and I’m here to help.
Let’s begin with the fundamental truths regarding Thanksgiving.
1. You are going to eat like an asshole. Unless you are on one of those appetite suppressants that every pharmacy seems to be out of, you will eat.
2. Green Bean casserole is disgusting. You never eat this stuff during the year. Why do they bust it out at Thanksgiving? Is anyone excited this is green bean casserole time on the calendar?
3. Eating a lot will help you not get drunk as quickly. So eating like an asshole is self-protection.
The entire holiday is focused on food and speaking to each other. It would be best if you were prepared to be okay.
Here are three ideas that will help.
1. Dominate the conversation. Talk about sports, even if you don’t know a thing about sports. When someone points out how bad your family’s favorite team's defense plays, nod your head in agreement and say things like, “Tell me about it.”
Ask questions about everything they are talking about. Even if politics come up, answer questions with questions. They think you are stupid anyway. They want to own you, so help them feel good about themselves by being super dumb. If you dominate the line of scrimmage here like the Lions do, you have a good shot of getting through this. “Oh, you think Kamala Harris is a communist fascist? Tell me about it.”
Try this - pick one family member and don’t speak to them. Excuse me, HIM or HER. Talk to everyone else. Just pick one. Maybe it’s the Aunt who thinks you don’t go to church enough or the cousin who wants to make a TikTok with you. You don’t have to say hi to everyone. Give one a cold shoulder. Anyone who notices will think that family member is a jerk for some reason. This is how you divide and conquer.
You want everyone to think you were gabbing too much when you leave. The memory of Thanksgiving 2024 was that you wouldn’t shut up about the Lions' turnaround. Aunt Karen will complain you never talked to her about her judgments, and Cousin Dewey will be steamed that he didn’t get to make fun of you on social media.
2. Steal Something. There’s no reason for you to take the high road. Take the road with something they have that you want. Take back the nice Irish Bellleek picture frame from your wedding, for instance. Find a chance to grab it and take it back to your car.
Too daring? Then shove some wine, their nice bottle of bourbon, or some silverware into a bag. Remember, these people took your rights away. A nice pair of sunglasses is nothing.
If you feel up to it, don’t shy away from it. Tell them straight up you are taking the record player sitting in the bedroom you used as a kid. They will be caught off guard. While headed back to retrieve it, ask questions about the Lions' secondary and their blitz defense.
Then put that record player on Facebook Marketplace, send the link to family members, and tell them you give them a good deal.
3. Have an escape plan. How do you plan to get out of there? Set a time limit.
Don’t stay for the Lions game. Say you need to watch it at home. If they play at noon, skip the meal entirely. If they play at 3:00, encourage everyone to hurry up and eat because you have to get home and watch the Lions. Tell everyone the Lions are undefeated when you are home. Tell them you have money on the Lions. Every male relative there will understand that.
Not a Lions family? Don’t sweat those details. On Thanksgiving, everyone is a Lions fan.
Make sure you and your partner have a word to be used as a signal of when it is time to go. But make it so strange that it stands out because you’ll be dominating the conversation and running around the house stealing stuff, so your partner may be distracted.
Snufalopgus is a good one. Everyone will notice that word. How about Nazi? That will cause an uproar, which can serve as a distraction, like cutting a fart and blaming it on Aunt Karen.
Once that word is said, you have three minutes to get out. Round up the kids. Don’t have kids? Say you are off to get some. Grab bags, even ones that don’t belong to you.
Cause as much disarray as you can, and when you kiss your mother on the cheek, whisper how awful green bean casserole is. Maybe throw a Hail Hydra! as you walk out.
Now, what happens if you invite family over for Thanksgiving?
Let’s skip the part about why you are so foolish. But it is an opportunity to present a welcoming, kind, and loving environment. One where they will not stay long because being kind and loving is hard when you have brain worms.
Here’s a quick list of resources and actions to ensure your family will not get your point.
1. Invite kids from the local college to dinner. Be sure it’s the super liberal, pro-Palestine kind. Make it a point that everyone in the family knows these kids voted for Jill Stein.
In fact, give them Jill Stein t-shirts to wear. Ask a lot of questions about Jill Stein and watch these college kids go toe to toe with your brother-in-law. You’re not there to argue. You brought argument machines to do it for you.
2. Instead of a prayer before the meal, take some time to praise and recognize that the Huron Tribe once inhabited the land you are on, and then announce your preferred pronouns.
Take it one step further and put a sign on every bathroom reminding everyone that bathrooms in your home are unisex.
3. Establish a no-football rule. Instead, turn every TV on to some silly reality show. Tell them the Lions are going to win anyway, and we don’t need to have three NFL games on this day, that’s for sure. Remind them that there is still more to learn about Jill Stein and the Huron Tribe, who our ancestors massacred.
Take these steps, and your family will take off like an Elon Musk rocket is supposed to.
All right. I hope the above was helpful. Feel free to add anything I have listed above. Or share any other ideas that you think may be helpful.
Okay, I’m working all weekend—again. But I'll be back on Monday before I embark on a lot of travel over the next two weeks. More about that later.
Until then, thanks for being here, and have a great weekend!
Okay,
Chris
Brilliant. Sad. True. Join the Anti Green Bean Movement and don’t forget to leave before leftovers are handed out.
Those Nazis were only a few blocks from my house. I went out to curb stomp them but they had fled before I arrived.