I Haiti This Nonsense

The Maundy Monday Newsletter - This Week in History September 16 - 22.

Anonymous and I made it back from Ireland. It was a fantastic trip.

I’ll spare the details here and instead publish a piece describing the excursion soon in an edition of Even More Okay, which will be open to all subscribers.

But I will mention again that I became an Irish citizen earlier this year and hope to have my passport processed soon.

What’s the point of all of this?

Options. My wife and I like to have options, which may or may not include retiring or fleeing to Europe at some point.

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Thankfully, I missed last week's presidential debate and woke up in Galway to read the reactions. I saw the former president suggest that Haitian immigrants are destroying the small town of Springfield, Ohio, a lovely midwestern hamlet. I’ve been to Springfield. I don’t remember a thing about it.

Anyway, according to the convicted felon, immigrants were destroying the town by kidnapping and eating dogs, cats, and pets in general. Despite government officials declaring this untrue, the D-list actor from Home Alone II countered that he saw people talking about it on television, so it must be true in his fast-food-filled brain.

Then yesterday, I saw the junior senator from my home state, the Republican vice presidential nominee, and the first rodeo clown elected to the United States Senate, JD Vance, spend time on the Sunday morning talk shows doubling down on this idea and even suggested that these Haitian migrants are slaughtering local geese.¹

This is crazy, racist talk about a country that has been tied to the United States since its inception. And as history would have it, we are approaching an important anniversary this week.

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Here’s a quick, okay lesson about Haiti’s history.

When Christopher Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue in 1492, Europeans landed in Haiti, establishing the first settlement in the Americas. Spain owned the island but ceded the western part to the French, who then turned it into a sugar plantation staffed with enslaved people brought in from Africa.

By the late 1790s, France was in the middle of many revolutions, one of which occurred in Haiti beginning in 1791. By 1803, the enslaved people whipped the French, becoming the second republic in the Americas, next to us, and the only republic in the world established by enslaved people.

Of course, Haiti’s existence has freaked out our country ever since. They have been an easy target of ridicule primarily due to their high levels of poverty and their vulnerability to natural disasters.  The country is also 95% black, so it’s low-hanging fruit for American politicians to inflame fear about what black people could do to their white communities. It doesn’t matter which century or which party was doing it. We love our racism, probably because we watch it on television.

The United States has played the role of hall monitor to Haiti and has sent troops into the country a few times. In 1915, we sent 300 Marines because the Bank of New York wanted America to take control of the money deposited there.

This week, on September 16, 1994, President Clinton dispatched 20,000 troops to restore the first democratically elected president, Jean-Bernstard Aristide, to power after a military coup.  

What’s great about this show of force wasn’t the fact we came in kicking ass, like a bunch of Haitians taking over a small Ohio town; no, all it did was scare the bejesus out of the general who assumed power – like a bunch of Haitians moving into town. He looked outside his window and saw a bunch of ships, planes, and tanks ready to roll; he remembered what he saw what we did in other military conflicts on television and opted out.

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America is great because people from all over the world come here for many reasons. Whether it was my grandmother or thousands of Haitians, immigrants make this country what it is today. Immigrants like Senator Vance’s in-laws, who came from India, gave their daughter a chance at a better life. Of course, she threw that away and decided to join the circus.

I know it’s true because I saw it on television.

Okay, let's highlight what else happened this week. As a reminder, these events celebrate their anniversary, ending in 5 or 0. Here's what I got:

1.      President Ford announced a conditional amnesty on September 16, 1974. After giving President Nixon a full pardon eight days earlier, Gerald Ford was in a forgiving mood. Ford proclaimed that men who didn’t register or took off to another country, say Ireland, would be given amnesty if they worked a public service job for two years.

2.      Barry Bonds hit his 700^th career home run on September 17, 2004. The San Fransisco Giant star joined Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth as the only players to reach this milestone. Bonds increased his luck by taking steroids, allowing him to recover quicker and mash balls further.

3.      Wilbur Wright flew in a circle on September 20, 1904. The brothers, whose parents descended from multiple European countries, had invented the plane a year earlier, and Wilbur took off in Wright Flyer II and made a circle. This is important because you need to be able to turn, like right, so you can fly toward Ireland rather than straight ahead.

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This week also marks our wedding anniversary. Anonymous and I got hitched two years ago on September 17. It was the best day ever.

2024 has been quite a whirlwind of stuff for both of us. Being married to such a fantastic person makes all the trials and tribulations easier to get through—as easy as trials and tribulations can be.

Here’s to you, Anonymous, the biggest Okay History supporter. I’m so grateful to have you in my life.

You’re okay.

As for the rest of you, I love you all very much. I’ll be back on Friday with another election ranking. Be ready for the recap of my trip to the motherland!

Have a great week!

Okay,

Chris

Anonymous and I in Ireland. See how happy she is to be married to me? 

1. Ohio used to let schools out for people to hunt deer. Let’s say for the sake of being kind that Haitians are killing wild animals; what exactly is the problem? Is Vance pro-geese? They are probably Canadian geese who got into the country due to open borders.